Monday, October 15, 2007

Decrypting Kissing Patterns

Hamza has already beaten me to this subject though here's my own version...

The worst thing about family gatherings is having to stand in line trying to figure out who to kiss and how to kiss. For example...

The elders:-
a) Forehead (once or twice)*
b) Forehead - right - left
c) Right - left - forehead
* Handshake is not a-must.

The old:-
a) Right (once, twice, or even more)
b) Right - left
c) Right - left - right - left
- Handshake is a-must in all occurrences.

The brats:-
a) Handshake only
b) Right - left
c) Right - left - right - left

And in some odd occasions:-
a) Right - right - left
b) Right - left - left
c) Right (long kiss)
d) Slap! (mostly from aunts)
e) Hug (very rare)

I started to hate family gatherings just because of this stupid custom. By the end of the day my cheeks are numb and my lips are swollen caused by the thousands of kisses I've spread.

And you can see how confusing it is, not to mention when someone skips you or gets mixed up decoding your kisses, both start nodding heads like hens! How embarrassing is that? Those who have been in a similar situation know exactly what I mean.

The only way of surviving the day with less chances of humiliation is to implement the "Hand Grim" strategy, and it can be simply put out as:-

"When you shake hands try to be the last person, hold hard, and never let go unless you finish decrypting their kisses."


Navy Girl said...

aint you so right about this or what !!! i hate it too !! i mean i have to figure out a way for each person .. each one got his own way .. some shake hands some doesn’t !! i cant keep upppppppp ! i hate it when i get into a ROOM full of people oo start kissing around everyone !! once i almost kiss my cousin accidentally lol !!! :D

Anonymous said...

LOOOOOOOOOOOL! very nice and funny post! :D

ee wallah kel kalamek 9a7 :)

oo a7la shay el slap from aunts LOOOOOOL

Zed said...

you forgot to mention how every country have their own count

lebanese do 3 (mandatory)
jordan 2 or 17
other ME contries 2 only
gulf do the one and forehead and nose

chikapappi said...

LOL@ the subjcet... I do 2 o that's it!

bored said...

laa the worst thing is when u go for the second kiss and they lean back and leave u kissing the air, or the u dont know if u go to the other cheek or stay on this cheek some more ;p

3baid said...

Other bloggers have already brought this subject up many times. There's still no rule, it's almost random :/

Ms Loala said...

You get slapped by your aunts! LOL xD
How's that concidered a kissing pattern?

You can add to the list, kids with dirty mouths and hands wanting to kiss you, now that's disgusting :'(

il3ameed said...

yes, i agree! its too damn annoying when you go into a room filled with people you barely know and start kissing them all.. and you have no idea which pattern theyre gonna use..

i barely know who im kissing, even though their faces are familiar, i still dont know who they are! then i ask, then i get lost when theyre trying to tell me and i just let it go. every year..

Anonymous said...

LOOOOL!! Khaletnee atafel il may min 7aljy 3al keyboard!!!!!

I was reading right left left left right malyoon marra ..

Faj2a .. SLAP .. LMAO!!!!!!!!

Aham shay bisalfa cheeks are numb and my lips are swollen... !!!! Looks like you Got a Huge Family Mashallah! :P
Allah ikhaleelik Yahum!

Ana In such Cases i Hide :P
Literallly hehe

Anonymous said...

loooooooooooool, u post really cracked me!! you are so right!!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

LOL! 3adi 3adi... its a must
lool i once kissed a 30 year old on her head by mistake well i didnt know she looked older i think she was insulted hahaha hell...
nikbar oo ninsaah. but it was embarrassing! Considering i was the only one who did that.

lool too many options for you there.
ya7iloo il hand shake walla.
or maybe hugs, hugs are better.
people should start hugging.
lol nice post


Very.Q8ya said...

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!! I sometimes pretend to be sick, 3ashan i only do the handshake lol

aham shy il slaaap a777777 LOL!!!

Very.Q8ya said...


Princess said...

heheeh swollen marra wa7da? how intense were the kisses, and oh so true, and marat whn im saliming/kissing a woman thats kuwaiti, she'd go oh so we're doing it the saudi way and vice versa and i really dnt know wat the hell im doing, im just trying to get it over and done with *gag*

i think we should stick to hugs for the ones u love, and handshakes for the rest

kella met2a5er said...

Hahaaaaaaaaaa, good one ee wulla moshkella this kissing salfa!!

Bas yedeeda hathy: right right then left..or viceversa, min wein??

Slap!!!! LMAO

moocherx said...

slip your tongue in when kissing a particularly hot cousin (of either sex!).

No-one will ever demand you do the kissing thing again.

Well... unless they really really enjoyed it...

The Criticizer said...

navy g:
lol! yeah it's irritating. :/

ee you get the "Waynik ma tbayen wala tsallim? ((SLAP))!". :/

True true... but I was talking about my family only. Thank god we don't have that stupid nose kiss. :/


Exactly what I meant by "... nodding like hens!" .. 7adda mawqif 5ara. :/

It depends on each one's origin. Our relatives at Saudi do the right left left one.

ms laola:
lol! When I lean toward my aunt to kiss her she replies with a SLAP and goes like "waynik ma tbayen wala tsallim? kubar rasik? willa titghalla?" .. don't worry .. 5afef. :P

lol .. happens all the time. kil sina athnain/thalath yeddad bil 3ayla. :/

Check my reply to ms loala to know how I get a slap as a kiss. :P
Hide? bas mako fayda... you eventually get caught when they ask around about you, don't they? :/


blue dress:
lol!! she's 30! that's even more embarrassing than anything else! xD

Good idea! :P

Hah! yeah, just get it over with. salam/bye :P

kella meta5er:
right right left and vice versa = relatives from saudi.
And the slap is all good, don't get it wrong. :P

lmao! I'd be known as the family pervert if I do that. :P

Glad to know you're still around mate. Are you getting back to blogging any soon? I really miss your rants, honestly. :/

KJ said...

I have adopted a simple and effective method: Simple hug the person for 2 seconds then kiss the cheek where you hugged.

Just hope you don't have an old relative like I do who refuses to kiss anywhere but on the mouth

iNoor said...

baaaaaaaih men 9ejkom?? I only kiss right left, o el old ones o my parents right left head bas! sheno 7alaaaaaaaw ohoo? malat 3ala Yasser 3arafat :P

ooo say hi to your aunt who slaps you cuz 7addy 7abait'ha :P

Anonymous said...

la .. after il hatha .. an7ash LOOOOOL!!
"wain ekhetkum? Mashifnaha"
"embala .. yat salimat"
"wweeh yimkin thaya3na"

lewll !

Anonymous said...

*LOL* This is added up to my reasons. (Check my blog...)


The Criticizer said...

On the mouth?! lmao! xD

a7sanlich. Will do. ;P

il hatha, il shisma, lewl...
Your terms crack me up! xD

Thanks. :D said...






goddamn man, you got it right down to the point!




elijah said...

I wish they could just stick to shaking hands!

Imagine when u have a mixture of nationalities, each country has its own style.

one right - one left - one right


ten right - ten left - ten right - ten left then one last one :D

The Criticizer said...

Glad you like it. :P

lol! Yeah, that's what happens when we get to gather with our Saudi relatives. xD

D. said...

HAHAA I thought I was the only one who complains about that.
For me .. it's a kiss on the right.. and an infinite number of kisses on the left.. at least till they push me away!

The Criticizer said...

Smart tactic. I'll keep that in mind for the future. :P